It’s all true.
The Splash
Tuesday was not a good day.
And while none of you came here for presidential debate analysis, it’s worth noting that what was once a sacrosanct observation in our national political tradition became so messy and vapid that CNN personality Dana Bash called it a “shit show” only minutes after the debate between President Donald Trump and Joe Biden had concluded.
But the shittiness began in the hours and days before the debate, with Trump repeatedly calling for his opponent to submit to a drug test and allies in conservative media spreading accusations that Biden was going to try to use an earpiece during the debate.
The extent to which the president of the United States is disconnected from reality is disconcerting (thank God there are at least 15 more important things to worry about right now, but his dumb brain is making all of them worse) and it was all on display Tuesday: the nonsense about mail-in ballots, the fearmongering with antifa and the very thing his dumbassed self was impeached for with the Hunter Biden/Ukraine dipshittery.
We should not have a president who believes these things, much less one who announces them for all the world to hear. Yet despite this queasy dalliance at the highest levels of our government with misinformation and some of the darkest conspiracy theories around, this week’s “Department of Truth” #1 strangely left me in a good mood — one of those “staring back into the abyss” sort of deals, I suppose.
The book, by writer James Tynion IV, artist Martin Simmonds, letterer Aditya Bidikar, designer Dylan Todd (who, my God, has put together the most attractive-looking design package in the history of ever) and editor Steve Foxe, supposes that all conspiracies are real (in a way) and that there is (naturally) a government agency minding them. Tynion, in only a few pages, both lays out this fantastic world while also explaining the dark allure of conspiracy theories in how they allow common ordinary folk to feel special and empowered with secret, special knowledge.
There’s no shortage of material for this series, and certainly no lack of political horror in the Trump administration.
I need an escape.
This will do quite nicely.
The ‘Rasslin’ Report
The Universal Championship match between Roman Reigns and Jey Uso at Clash of Champions was good (but not great) storytelling for WWE, which made it practically Homerian given the dearth of Vince and Co.’s ability to tell compelling, dramatic and (most important) realistic stories. But with a few changes at each point in the overly condensed arc, the feud — and the match — could have been that much stronger.
When Roman returned and turned: Re-debuting Reigns with evil advocate to the stars Paul Heyman made for a good television surprise, but it was a wretched turn. Bring Roman back earlier (or put off the story or whatever — certainly don’t make the cancer survivor come back in a pandemic before he’s ready) and have him lose a few times. Make him question his approach, and then put Heyman in his ear. This should be about the slow temptation of Reigns, not a character whose worldview changes drastically for no apparent reason. And if you keep Reigns and Heyman apart for a few weeks before finally pulling the trigger, you can have the Big Dog lie about the relationship — and we all hate liars.
Jey becomes No. 1 contender: The outcomes in wrestling are predetermined, yes, but wrestling outcomes should never seem predetermined. Uso beating three other guys in a fatal four-way seemed entirely too contrived, especially when he’s never gotten a singles push. The better way to approach that is for Reigns to simply give him the match. He can explain he’s doing it because Jey’s never had a shot, while the announcers can speculate it’s because Reigns views him as a pushover. Give us a reason, again, to think he’s a liar. As we get closer to the match, we could have Reigns come out point blank and ask Uso to lay down for him. (Which was not a point hit strongly enough Sunday.) Uso refuses, fires up and vows to become champ.
Jimmy throws in the towel: This is where WWE’s sloppy attention to detail hurts. In real sports, only a manager or a corner or some other official representation can throw in the towel. But Jimmy Uso wandered down to ringside with the ability to stop the match for his brother? Nah. Have him manage his brother. He could have been a character during the whole match, maybe even appearing in peril a few times during the course of the bout. That would have been stronger — and more consistent with sports. Also, cut the shit out with all of the “tribal chief” stuff. No one talks like that. Ever.
The big point here is that this story should have been the gradual turning of Roman Reigns with this match being a line of no return. They get a pass on the accelerated timeline if the Rock is lined up for a match at ’Mania, but otherwise, this was a sloppy botch of something that could have been great.
And Now, Your Questions
Tweet me (@willnevin) or just scream at me with some stupid thing you want answered. If you don’t ask me questions, I’ll find you and beg you for them. Don’t make me beg.
@geneticghost: Who’s got the best finishing move in wrestling, Will?
This is a horribly stupid answer given the wrestler in question’s career trajectory, but I have marked out at one and only one finisher upon seeing it for the first time: Ken Kennedy’s Green Bay Plunge, a fireman’s carry from the top rope that kinda looks like an Attitude Adjustment if ol’ John Cena came down on top of you. The physics of it amazed me: How was it even possible to jump from a turnbuckle with a guy wrapped around your neck like a meat boa and land on him? The best finishers (for fans, anyhow, not so much for the performers who have to repeat them hundreds upon hundreds of times in the course of a career) have some bit of impossibility to them, almost like a sweaty magic trick, and Kennedy’s sure did it for me.
Today, the closest thing is probably Kenny Omega’s One Winged Angel with its grace, style and overall protection in the booking. (Also, I just learned the name is a Final Fantasy reference. I am in no way surprised.) That last one is probably the most important: A finisher doesn’t mean shit if (1) everyone and their uncle kicks out of it and (2) it never gets busted out because the wrestler never wins. So while Hangman Adam Page’s Buckshot Lariat and Chris Jericho’s Judas Effect elbow aren’t all that athletically impressive, they’re better than your average WWE finisher because they mean something — the latter especially.
And by the way, if someone would use the Canadian Destroyer as a finisher again rather than a transitional move (what idiot thought that was a good idea?!) I’d buy it in a second. That move is some crazy voodoo magic.
@danielpgrote: Who wins in a TLC match: Alvin Simon THEODORE or Huey Dewey and Louie?
Chipmunks vs. ducks — who we got? And importantly, does the tables, ladders and chair stip matter? Let’s start first by saying we’re working in a kayfabe world, meaning we’re treating this like a real athletic competition…a really weird athletic competition. Alvin, Simon and Theodore have speed, claws and paws, while Huey, Dewie and Louie have weight and wings — two important advantages if you’re looking to crash down from ladders on top of some sumbitches. The chipmunks, though, have the deciding factor in Alvin and Simon. Alvin will be reckless and probably downright mean in order to beat the ducks, while the smart one will be…well, smart. Can you imagine the carnage Simon could engineer with a butt-ton of ladders and a truckload of chairs? I wouldn’t want any part of that.
But Theodore? Totally liability as he is entirely too nice to be in a TLC match. Stash him under the ring, or stick him with an injured duck. Don’t let him mess this up.
@mike_ruffino: who should take over Superman and Action now that Bendis is out? I hope it’s Waid.
I’m not opposed to Mark Waid coming on — it would sure as hell cap off his “sort of return to DC” story — but I wonder if he has anything left to say about Supes following an all-timer like “Kingdom Come” and his “totally about Superman but with extra cringe” book “Irredeemable.” But if I had my pick between Waid and the field — especially if the field is full of diverse voices who have never gotten a shot at a signature Big Two book — I’m rooting for the field.
I’m not a regular reader of the Superman family of books, but I get the sense that while Bendis did some good things and some not-so-good things, it was more about checking off a box on his career wish list. What if we got someone new? Hungry? Fresh? The anti-Bendis — who would definitely not be Waid.
How about Vita Ayala? They’re the sort of fresh face I’d be looking for. However, if we have to give it to a white guy, maybe Mark Russell — I’d love to see him do a serious (but still politically pointed) look at our Big Blue Boy Scout.
@FieldsofAthnry: WHY, WILL, how much should I be willing to pay for comics in my hot little hands in the year of Creation 5781?
What you should be willing to pay depends on what you’re getting. I think for your average monthly floppy, $3 to $4.50 is a good spot, while a softcover trade should be about $12 and a hardcover a few more at $15 to $20. OGNs can slot in there just about anywhere, but if you want to go above $20, you better have a good reason. Ultimately, I want to feel like I’m paying (but not overpaying) for something valuable — there has to be the perfect ratio of quality, quantity and hit to my wallet for that to all work out.
Whatever you do, don’t pirate books. That ain’t never the answer.
@CoriMarie21: I learned of worse than a possum for nightmare junk last night: Sonic’s buddy Knuckles the echidna
As part of an ongoing service here at “Why, Will” we’re ranking the nightmare junk of the animal world, and as we concluded last week, possums (with their forked be-tentacled johnsons) are a clear No. 1, while ducks are right up there with a pasta noodle dong doodle.
Yet every sentence in the echidna’s Wikipedia article reads like DeviantArt fanfic. Looks like a hedgehog or an anteater but lays eggs like a platypus? Fine. Young echidnas are called “puggles”? Sure. “Prior to 2007, no one had ever seen an echidna ejaculate.” Now you’re just making shit up.
(Imagine being that animal researcher. You spend decades of your working life trying to achieve this goal, and then it happens, you go home and tell your partner, “Honey! We finally did it. I got to see the echidna spunk today.”)
But yes, about that penis. That absolutely normal penis with four heads. Yes, that’s three too many, and no, I don’t understand the evolutionary advantage, but I’ll be honest and say that it doesn’t scar me as much as possum and duck dongs. It’s a crime against man and God for sure, but on our list of nightmare junk, it has to settle for the bronze.
Your ‘Why, Will’ Weekly Planner
Thursday: Tonight, the Hallmark Channel airs “Pumpkin Pie Wars,” a 2016 movie about what happens when “[t]he offspring of two baking rivals prepare to battle in a local pumpkin-pie contest, but a problem arises when these supposed enemies begin to fall in love.” I didn’t make that up. Check your local listings?
Friday: I am in no rush to go back to my local theater — let me be clear as Crystal Pepsi on that. But I miss looking forward to new theatrical releases and walking into a big cineplex and getting hit with the smell of fresh (and maybe a scooch burned) popcorn. Now, more than six months into this shit, the release calendars are barren and the theaters are still dark (for good reason). I hope this ends. One day.
Saturday: The Aggies of Texas A&M travel to Tuscaloosa to take on the Crimson Tide. There will be nothing better to do at 2:30, and I am a redneck mark. Also, “SNL” returns with Jim Carrey taking up the role of Joe Biden for…reasons.
Sunday: It’s National Taco Day, the high holiest day for tacos. Celebrate responsibly, and remember: No matter whether it’s hard shell or soft shell, it’s still a taco and still good.
Monday: Monday marks the last day in Ohio (and probably a few other states) to register before the election. Did you know that 21 states have same-day voter registration? Why don’t the other 29 states do the same thing? One of those things about American democracy that makes you think (that it’s not really a democracy or ever has been).
Tuesday: “Batman” #100, “Legend of the Swamp Thing,” whatever Tom Taylor has cookin’.
Stay safe. Stay sane.
Have a good week, y’all.
Will Nevin loves bourbon and AP style and gets paid to teach one of those things. He is on Twitter far too often.
