Why, Will: Kayfabe is OK, Really

Building a wrestling promotion around being cute is not.

The ‘Rasslin’ Report

A wrestling promotion — like many other fallible human enterprises, really — is a lot like a sandcastle. It can be intricate. It can be sloppy. It can be impressive. It can be the product of hours of hard work, or it can be the result of a little moisture and an upturned bucket. But regardless of who built it or how much time they put into it, if that sumbitch goes up too close to the incoming tide, it’s all coming down in a soggy, disappointing heap.

AEW may not be crashing into the sea. But after last week’s episode of “Dynamite,” it might be time to look for the water.

Admittedly, I experienced “Jericho XXX” or whatever the hell they called it in a sleep-deprived haze while I was putting together the previous edition of this very column for you, Loyal Content Consumer, so I may not be the best judge of the show’s merits. However, what I caught in my more lucid moments has me worried not only for the current state of AEW but also has me questioning the judgment of the promotion’s top players.

Let’s start with a ‘Rasslin’ Report Declaration of Principles:

1. Professional wrestling is, at its core, simulated combat between one party fans should want to see win (the babyface) and a party fans should want to see lose (the heel). This, the worked nature of it all, is the primary advantage of professional wrestling and should be its central storytelling device.
2. If you’re detracting from No. 1, you’re doing it wrong and should stop. 

Chris Jericho is a wrestling legend, or at least the closest thing to a legend still working today. He’s headlined the biggest shows on the planet, brings something new and interesting to every feud he works and should be absolutely celebrated and cherished. The thing is, though, he’s currently working as an obnoxious heel — not the sort of character you want to build an entire show around. So all of those clips of celebrity-ish people like Dennis Miller, Slash, Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons congratulating him for his career are not only a little pathetic, but they also don’t make sense within the context of the show — not unless someone like Jon Moxley cuts a promo pointing out how sad it is that Jericho’s ego has to be stoked by some elderly rock stars Zoom-ing into a wrestling show to say how great he is. (Which did not happen.)  

It was cute and fun (I guess?) if you like those guys, and the same goes with the show-closing segment featuring Jericho goofing around with MJF. But riddle me this, marks: How did any of that build toward a feud that could give the promotion some pep? (And, no, Jericho vs. MJF is not a top-of-the-card program.) Toward something that could draw money and eyeballs? Or, to borrow the diseased language of Vince McMahon, was it all about “entertaining” us?

That brain rot — the insidious idea that you can build a show on being cute and clever and expect to do well — is all over the program right now. The Young Bucks are working some ironic heel gimmick that oozes “go away” heat as they build toward a feud with FTR, another heel team. Cody Rhodes, who apparently only took a break to film that fool-assed TBS talent show, won back the TNT strap and cut a promo on how he’s “still with the fans.” Yet in tonight’s title defense, he wants to force Orange Cassidy into a collar-and-elbow tie-up in what seems to be the start of a “I’m a real wrestler competing with these jokers” heel turn, which is the sort of meta navel-gazing that gave us the Finger Poke of Doom.   

Tonight’s anniversary show is a good chance for a reset, to get everyone out of “entertainment” mode and into the “winning championships and beating the hell out of people” lane that actually builds interest in a promotion. But they have a bunch of issues that require attention: Mox needs a serious title program to break out of the “monster of the week” challengers who haven’t been all that credible, Cody has to figure out whether he’s a heel or a community theater guy going through an emo phase, Jericho needs to be serious and the Bucks need to go the hell away — at least until they can articulate some principles behind these new characters.

It’s fun to swim in the ocean. 

You might even call it entertaining, a big hoot for everyone. 

And yet if you watch that water bring down all your hard work on the shore, you might have a different opinion.

But by then, it’s too late.

Last Time On ‘Why, Will’

The column in which we talked about how I don’t have a problem and, in fact, am quite enthused by “The Walking Dead” being rereleased in color.

@LiberryTom: Do you have the same take about Usagi Yojimbo’s colorization?

Until this very question, I had never sat down to read anything from the 35+ years of “Usagi Yojimbo” stories, and I gotta say — it’s confusing as hell to figure out where to start between books by Fantagraphics, Mirage, Dark Horse and IDW. But to actually answer your question (and to borrow from the TMNT Mirage books as well), here’s a question for you: Why were these books originally in black and white? Was it an artistic choice? Or was it because a colorist was prohibitively expensive for (what was originally) a self-published book?

Excusing/justifying the coloring here is probably easier here since “Walking Dead” was made in black and white as an artistic choice — to colorize it is to revise that original meaning and artistic vision. (Although I’m still not against it given that it was Kirkman’s decision and the continued availability of the original work.)

I read a little from three different “Usagi Yojimbo” works: the collected TMNT crossovers, a black and white Fantagraphics trade and the first IDW book of colorized classic stories. And to be honest, I did enjoy the IDW book the most, although I’m not sure if that’s because it was the best story to come in on or the color made the art pop more. Bottom line, though, my take is the same: Color is good. And I recognize that might make me a troglodyte.  

And Now, Your (Other) Questions

Tweet me (@willnevin) or just scream at me with some stupid thing you want answered. If you don’t ask me questions, I’ll find you and beg you for them. Don’t make me beg. 

@Mike_Ruffino: which new creator owned series excites you the most and why is it Department of Truth?

Mikey, Mikey, MIKEY, yes, godamighty, YES — “Department of Truth” fucks real, real, REAL hard, and I was sold from the first page. Hell, not even the first page, the goddamn credits are designed so well, I might have been in the tank from there. While I’ve got some issues with Tynion’s “Batman,” he’s firing with buckshot in this book: It looks fantastic, it’s got a super premise *and* he’s got some great stuff to say about conspiracy theories generally in #1. Really, I don’t have a complaint outside of not having the next issue already. 

Conspiracy theories are fascinating not for the fiction they create nor their persistence despite reality, logic and science but for the reasons people believe in them. Well…the fiction is pretty compelling, too. “Department of Truth,” in only its first issue, gets at all of that.

It fucking fucks. 

@BigDadEnergy_: Should this year’s NCAA football championship come with an asterisk?

First thing to get out of the way: It’s insanity to play football right now. Total bonkers crazy nonsense bullshit. But the assholes feeding off of unpaid athletes wanted it to happen, so it’s happening. That said, in looking at the college football postseason, we’re only talking about the Power 5 conferences, and three of them (Big XII, ACC and SEC) have already started play with similar schedules: ACC and SEC teams are playing a 10-game conference-only sked, while the Big XII is a nine-game conference slate with one non-conference game. (Although given the state of Oklahoma and Texas, I think the oil boys have graciously excused themselves from playoff consideration.) These 10-game schedules are the same as any other year from the playoff era (12 games) minus only a few cupcakes. The Big Ten, though, will kick off next week with an eight-game plan, while the PAC-12 will use a bizarro seven-game schedule that starts in November and concludes with a championship and five other games for goofs the weekend of Dec. 18.

That’s all to say that I don’t think there are any legitimacy problems if a Big XII, ACC or SEC team wins the playoff. (The selection committee might do well in unofficially giving teams from those conferences a bit of a boost.) The Big Ten…I just don’t know. The PAC-12? Absolutely not. (I’d say they’re only playing for the Rose Bowl, but since Pasadena is hosting a semifinal game, I have no clue why those West Coast boys are bothering to suit up.)

So if a PAC-12 team stumblefucks its way into the playoff and wins (which we probably don’t have to worry about since no PAC-12 team has done so to date), I think we need to talk about some sort of unofficial acknowledgement that they played a shorter schedule that doesn’t compare to a normal year. Otherwise, I’d say we’re in pretty good shape (aside from the pandemic that doesn’t seem to be ending and all).  

@jro616: What are the best replacements for fictional police procedural shows or movies?

The heart of a police procedural is going along with your heroes as they solve a case or right a wrong, and it’s been that way since Joe Friday was protecting the streets of Los Angeles in “Dragnet.” Another hallmark (at least in my mind) is that the format is *not* serialized, meaning each week should be a new problem for the good guys to wrap up in 30/60 minutes. If we’re avoiding cop shows (because #ACAB), my first go-to might be medical dramas/dramedies — shows like “House,” “Scrubs” and “M*A*S*H” all share some evolutionary DNA with police procedurals, and this big ol’ list of U.S. medical dramas from Wikipedia has a lot of other suggestions.

And since “funny cop shows” are not an answer here (again, #ACAB), let me recommend “Tacoma F.D.,” a funny firefighters show made by a couple of the guys from “Super Troopers.” It’s the same sort of humor but with hapless (yet well-meaning) firefighters, good for at least a few laughs per episode.

One more: “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” (Assuming Jean-Luc Picard isn’t a space cop.)  

@LAmeetsDC: Which comic book characters would you cast in which trashy reality tv shows? I request this be answered after drinking.

Three fingers of Eagle Rare down, and I am ready for this shit. Also, do you think I write sober generally? [Grote’s note: He don’t.] Anyway, here’s what I got: 

• “Toddlers & Tiaras”: Dick Grayson. He’d be a fabulous judge. Or maybe a gymnastics coach. Either way, that ass is going to basic cable.
• “Survivor”: Frank Castle. He’s not there to make friends. Could he successfully intimidate his fellow castaways into not voting him off? Probably. But I don’t think he’d murder them. (Maybe.)
• “Hoarders”: Bruce Wayne. Take a look at that Batcave lately? Does that giant penny spark joy, Bruce? What about the T-rex? And do you really need all those suits? It’s just stuff, Bruce. Let it go.
• “The Bachelor”: Steve Rogers. The ratings will tank because Cap won’t so much as kiss any of the women, but I’m not here to help ABC/Disney’s bottom line. 
• “The Bachelorette”: Gwenpool. This would get weird and meta, but it would make me watch the show. Probably the only way that would happen. 
• “The Apprentice”: Tony Stark. At least if America decides to make him president, we won’t have a complete fuckhead as the commander-in-chief. 
• “Fear Factor”: Coach Boss (“Southern Bastards”). Boss is not the type of feller to be afraid of anything (unless it’s failure), and I bet he eats hog testicles for fun, meaning he’s already prepped for the show. Also, this is the only way we’re ever going to see him again.
• “Dancing with the Stars”: Spawn. The thing about this show is that you don’t need to be either a “star” or have the ability to “dance” — just check out the most recent cast. But something about Spawn’s costume screams television dancing competition to me. 

Work left undone: “Wife Swap” [GN: The Summer House on Krakoa], “American Idol” [GN: Dazzler v. Black Canary circa 2015], “MasterChef” [GN: Um … Roadblock from G.I. Joe?], “Big Brother” [GN: Dude, the X-Men are RIGHT there].

Gotta be something else I’m missing, right? Or is that the bourbon talkin’?

@Michael_T_Wood: What went wrong with the Yankees in the ALDS? Answer with a comic book analogy.

The Yankees won the first game of their five-game series against those infernal down-market Devil Rays. But they had a problem: The rotation is sketchy after ace Gerrit Cole, and there wasn’t a clear candidate to start Game 2. So what did they do? Officially, they went with right-handed rookie Deivi Garcia, but he was only in the game to make the Rays *think* the Yankees were starting a righty so that they’d stuff their lineup with left-handed bats. After an inning, the Bombers went to temperamental and frequently awful J.A. Happ, a left-hander who could theoretically take advantage of a batting order stocked with southpaws. Predictably, Happ was terrible, couldn’t get the left-handers out and the Yankees lost.

It was overthought, reeked of desperation and embarrassing for everyone involved.

Truly, the “Secret Empire” of the baseball playoffs.  

Your ‘Why, Will’ Weekly Planner

Today, Wednesday, Oct. 14: “Bleed Them Dry” #4, “Commanders in Crisis” #1, “Dead Dudes,” “Grendel, Kentucky” #2, “Marvel Zombies: Resurrection” #3, “MTSYRY: Octobriana 1976” #1, “The Vain” #1 

Thursday: We would have had the second presidential debate to…look forward to? Now, we might have dueling town halls. Or maybe more impending doom. 

Friday: One week until “Borat: Let’s See If This Thing Aged Better Than ‘Independence Day 2.’” Also, preorders for the iPhone 12 go live if your current phone seems like a wretched and ancient thing you can’t wait to get rid of following the announcement of said iPhone 12. 

Saturday: The Georgia Bulldogs travel to Tuscaloosa to take on the Alabama Crimson Tide in an ill-advised game of American college football. Take the over. 

Sunday: “Swing Vote,” a pre-recorded wrestling/voter education event, will be available on Reality of Wrestling’s YouTube page. The Houston-based promotion is owned by Booker T.  

Monday: Find an asshole to block on Twitter. It’ll make you feel good. 

Tuesday: “Batman” #101 (we’re reviewing it forreal now, so it’s on the picks list), “Batman: White Knight Presents: Harley Quinn” (this could be the least bad thing in the Murphyverse).

Three weeks to go.  

Stay safe. Stay sane.

Have a good week, y’all.