It’s Joe time.
The Splash
Here’s the deal:
I could tell you that voting is a sacred democratic obligation, that so many before you have fought and died for the franchise that to simply pass on it as if it was some inconvenience is an insult to say the very least.
But we are too late and too deep and too wrong to waste time on philosophical wanker, so if you’re determined to vote to re-elect Donald J. Trump* or if you’re convinced that voting for a third-party candidate is not some petulant display of buffoonery**, stay the fuck at home. You’re not needed.
* If you’re here at this site in this moment, know that the man you support poses an active threat to many of the people who work hard to bring you Xavier Files. Leave now. We don’t want you.
** Read a book. Learn how the American first-past-the-post electoral system works. Advocate for ranked-choice voting. Maybe move to Great Britain to partake in its parliamentary system of government. Or keep being stupid. Your call.
So if I’m not writing to wax wistfully about our democratic duties and I’m not writing to persuade (I’ve clearly given up on the people not with me), then why the hell am I writing?
I need to get this down. On the record. Not necessarily for anyone to read, nor for me to say that I did something at this crossroad of conscience, because writing — despite all the time I spend on it — is not doing. I write this because it needs to be written, and I have always tried to write those things that were so imperative.
On Tuesday, I believe we should elect Joe Biden as the next president of the United States.
I could point out all the flaws of Trump — the shamelessness with which he’s used the presidency to enrich himself and his family, his total lack of interest in governing and policymaking, the incessant lies and vapid tweeting, his enduring unfitness for the burden that has been placed upon him. But I want to focus on one core defect: the rank racism that pervades the current administration and what it means for this country and the most vulnerable people in and near it.
In its most recent episode, “Last Week Tonight” did a feature piece on the Trump administration’s attack on the asylum application system, exposing a three-front war that has required asylum seekers to remain in Mexico as they pursue their cases, sent them to search for refuge in unsafe and resource-stretched countries like El Salvador and removed asylum seekers from America on account of the coronavirus pandemic — a hollow, fraudulent move from a president who has done so little to control the ravaging disease.
The piece is an uncomfortable watch because these are not abstract ideas — these are real people who face serious violence and persecution, and America, via its cruel policies and crueler facilitators, is leaving them to wither in tent slums before sending them back to perhaps face death. There is no logic behind any of it; this country is not full, and its resources are not taxed in any meaningful way. Its heart, though, is closed, hardened at the behest of an ignorant, incompetent, insufferable man. Trump is racist — always has been and always will be — and at this point in his life, there is no possibility of redemption. He must be excised, a political tumor cut from the body politic if there is to be any hope of survival.
And the body must then be healed.
I’ve written about this before, my misguided faith in this broken, fallen country. I believe we’re better than this. We have to be, or there’s no point in keeping on with this experiment. And while Joe Biden is not perfect (Christ almighty he shouldn’t have to be in this election), he brings a lifetime of decency and policy experience to this moment, which are two things the current president cannot hope to have — assuming he would even want such things.
I went to bed Sunday and woke up a few hours later after a nightmare. It was the sort I usually have, revolving around criminality or guilt, and while I can’t recall the specifics of the dream, I remember asking myself in those foggy moments of half-awakeness, “Am I in trouble? Did I do that?” The guilt ate at me.
I’m more inclined to see coincidence rather than providence in John Oliver’s Sunday night show and whatever it was that woke me only a short while later. But there are real people — people who can’t simply wake up from a nightmare — who face hurt and misery and death on account of Trump’s racist policies.
As an American, I can’t have that continue in my name.
I won’t.
And Now, Your Questions
Tweet me (@willnevin) or just scream at me with some stupid thing you want answered. If you don’t ask me questions, I’ll find you and beg you for them. Don’t make me beg.
@asimov_fangirl: Hi! Because every day is a good day for having TMNT feelings, what has made the Turtles so enduring, surviving other similar shows/franchises about humanoid beings with a preference for junk food like “Motor Mice of Mars” or “Street Sharks”? It can’t just be “they did it first”…
@MojosWork: But that’s part of it. Any accolades (I have none) you might give Biker Mice or Street Sharks is preceded by your 1st thought: These are TMNT knockoffs & bring in diminishing returns relative to the OG. TMNT also successfully repositioned/reinvented itself repeatedly over 30 yrs.
Fangirl! How nice it is to have you back once more. First among equals you shall forever be.
I agree — every day is a good day to talk about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, especially this week with the release of “The Last Ronin.” And while I want to get to the merits of your question, I want to point out that I’ve never heard of “Biker Mice from Mars,” “Street Sharks,” “SWAT Kats” or “Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa,” and yet they were all derivative store-brand versions of the Ninja Turtles that somehow existed. (A few notes on “C.O.W.-Boys” : First, you can’t make cows into heroes — they eat and shit, and we eat them. All there is to cows. Second, that show had a strong pun game with characters such as Moo Montana, the Cowlorado Kid, Cowlamity Kate Cudster, Oscar Bulloney and Cow Patty. OK, I made the last one up, but the rest of them are real — I swear.)
TMNT was the fad, the thing, the trend — it would have been silly not to try to cash in on it, and three of those shows (with “Street Sharks” being the exception) all hit in 1993 (which was oddly also the year of “TMNT III,” a bubble-bursting moment). But none of them had the same impact as Donny and the boys. Being first has something to do with that, absolutely. (Disregarding for the moment TMNT’s origins as a parody, of course.) But being first and serving to set the table for the pretenders only explains that momentary (albeit skyrocketing) success from the Mirage books to the television show to the movies.
Mojo’s point — the reinvention, the repositioning, the passing from generation to generation (I was tickled as hell when one of my childhood friends had a Turtle birthday party for one of his kids) — explains why the Turtles remain a viable property when those other shows are left to the dustbin of Wikipedia obscurity.
@Michael_T_Wood: best and worst potential Smokey and Bandit in the remake?
“Smokey and the Bandit” is the second-best grossing film of 1977 but undoubtedly the No. 1 thing to come out of Hollywood that year. (If you’re offended by that statement, know that I did it on purpose.) But since new ideas are risky, we can’t leave any classic thing alone, and now a television remake is in production with Seth MacFarlane, Danny McBride and a handful of other folks set to guide the new show.
The thing is, this has a chance. I’ve always thought you could tweak the story — say changing it from a truckload of Coors to a big rig full of the stickiest icky — and have something that could work today. The television format also allows for some interesting possibilities: five episodes out to Texas, five episodes back and some guest stars of the week? Could be great. Really.
Casting is going to make or break the thing, and if MacFarlane has an on-screen role, it will absolutely fail. That man is shit in front of the camera. But McBride is a Buford T. Justice in 2021 if there ever could be one. My dream casting for Snowman? Garth Brooks. He might not pick up the phone, but he’d be the first person I’d call. As to the Bandit, I’m not sure. Who’s the most fuckable man in Hollywood with a fair amount of charm who would do the show? Whoever that is, call them.
And tell Seth to fuck off.
@93418: Who’s feeding Gambit’s cats?
Gambit, adorably enough, has three cats — Oliver, Lucifer and Figaro — that were given to him by Mystique. Seems like she should be on the hook for feeding them when he can’t, right? Also, who the hell gives cats (multiple! plural!) as a gift? Cats (and I say this in a house full of them) are an insufferable burden.
[Grote’s note: Given Mystique has sworn to unmake Krakoa from within until she is reunited with her dead precog wife, and also given how canonically petty Raven is, no way in hell she’s feeding those cats while her son-in-law’s off doing Excalibur things. Unless she’s feeding them things that will absolutely give them diarrhea.]
@PELightning: How many Jokers would Joker choke if Joker could choke Jokers?
I don’t know if two or three is the right answer here, but like Highlander, I think there can be only one. Also, I need to find some time to hate-read that thing.
[Grote’s note: Why punish yourself when Matthew Lazorwitz, Andrea Ayres and Robert Secundus have done it for you as a public service!]
@BigDadEnergy_: If I was getting into knives what would you think a good first knife would be
True story: About 10 years ago, I asked my parents for a Swiss Army pocketknife for Christmas. It seemed practical — how often do you need to break into some frustrating clamshell packaging or scrawl your name into a shithouse wall and you’re without the proper tool? Christmas came, and I opened my gift to find some sort of folding spoon and fork contraption. Like…thanks? I remember trying super hard not to make a boo boo face. It was weird, considering my dad was an Eagle Scout and had to have known what I was looking for. Maybe mom got it? Whatever, I’m totally over it now and not traumatized by having to pretend to be happy with that bizarre gift.
If we’re talking utility, a good Swiss Army knife — if you really want to get your nerd on, maybe one with USB storage. Cooking? You can’t beat a good ceramic knife.
William C. Nevin Memorial Pick of the Week
Bourbon. Comics. Whatever. It’s my pick.
This week? “Borat 2: 2 Fast 2 Borat”
I’d like to think my expectations for “Borat Subsequent Moviefilm” were reasonably tempered — after living through “Independence Day 2,” “Boondock Saints 2” and “Star Trek: Picard,” I know better than to expect a whole heck of a lot when revisiting modern classic(ish) properties after a decade or so of storage.
“Subsequent Moviefilm” is in no way superior to the original — its best jokes are riffs on beats from 15 years ago, and Borat is not Borat when he must disguise himself as some other character. Still, the plot (Borat reckoning with an abandoned daughter and misogyny) had heart and a nice twist at the end. Absolutely the most any fan could reasonably expect.
Biggest complaint? I wish the Rudy Giuliani stuff hadn’t been spoiled by (altogether reasonable) media coverage.
Your ‘Why, Will’ Weekly Planner
Today, Thursday, Oct. 29: Last-minute campaigning agendas: Joe Biden hits Broward County, Florida, while his wife, Jill, goes to Michigan. Don Jr. is off to some place called Hermon, Maine. Mike Pence (assuming he doesn’t have coronavirus) will visit Des Moines, Iowa. Will any of these stops do any good? For the sake of those two assholes there at the end, I hope not.
Friday: The second season of “The Mandalorian” drops on Disney+, and while “Star Wars” is mostly not my thing (I know enough to know that “Rise of Skywalker” was rancid ass garbage), it seems like what I might watch if my wife let me get Disney+. (Side note: I think I got a free trial through Verizon? I should check it out sometime.)
Saturday: What a terrible Halloween. We’re still in the middle of a pandemic, so no responsible trick-or-treating and/or parties. Nick Saban has to work on his birthday. And I don’t have any candy in the house. Awful all the way ’round. Small plus side: John Mulaney hosting SNL.
Sunday: Daylight saving time ends with clocks going back and dark coming earlier. We get an extra hour of sleep this week, but the sun sets at 5 for the next three months? That’s a shitty trade.
Monday: Down to the last 10 days of not having a PS5 — even though it seems like there’s a 30% chance my Best Buy preorder could evaporate at any moment given the disaster of the console launch.
Tuesday: “Batman” #102, “Tales from the Dark Multiverse: Batman: Hush,” probably whatever Tom Taylor is doing
And the election.
It’s go time. Let’s do the thing.
Stay safe. Stay sane.
Have a good week, y’all.
Will Nevin loves bourbon and AP style and gets paid to teach one of those things. He is on Twitter far too often.
